The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Holy shit he’s back
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.