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[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard