[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
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i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.