me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
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70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.