the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
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Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I am a gravy boat captain
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.