Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
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Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no