reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
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You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Plant care tips
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.