Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.