Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
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Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer