Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
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I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.