i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?