People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
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I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Challenge accepted.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing