Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Autocorrect is my menesis
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone: