wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
You Might Also Like
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it