Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
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[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.