oh u like geography? name every lake
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me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.