I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
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as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating