I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly