me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
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Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me