Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
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ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.