A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
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*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.