Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
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Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house