stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
You Might Also Like
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
*puts cutlery down*
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”