4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
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The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
How about daylight saves us for once
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.