During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
How much for the goth pool noodles?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well