Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
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“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Breaking news:
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler