i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Thursday
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL