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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not