Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong