Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
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FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
This checks out
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I think we should hear other voices.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.