the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
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My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Haha! 😂
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart