Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
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Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.