Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
You Might Also Like
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
can you read it!!??
maan!
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.