[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
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“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
channeling her this year
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.