“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
still the best tweet of the year by far
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.