Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
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Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
So we got a goldfish…