“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Whisper out to librarians!
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…