I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
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Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man