When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
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When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The Onion called it…again.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.