I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
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I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
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Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that