Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave