Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
You Might Also Like
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
U talkin 2 me?
why I oughta