[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
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There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
We have a winner.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.