my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
groan^2
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out