Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Meow
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist