[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
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I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.