No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
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I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…