{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
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Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”