They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
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Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on