Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
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Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends